When Porn Interupts Your Marriage

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Today is going to be probably the most serious and vulnerable post you will ever read from me. As a blogger and huge Instagram poster I know I don’t always come across as “real.” I have never wanted to seem unreal to you, but I don’t always think about taking a photo when my kids are screaming in Target, do you blame me?

Here We Go

I’m going to take a deep breath and try not to cry on my computer as I write this post about my husband’s past struggle with pornography.

You might be wondering if this is so hard for me to write, then why write it? My answer is I don’t know. This morning I felt as though the Lord was calling me to write about this topic. Now all I can do is write and hope that this post will reach a wife who is struggling. I pray that she will discover that she is worthy, she is not alone, and know that I am on my knees praying for you.

My Thoughts On Porn

I will start by telling you that I am a sinful person myself, I have my flaws and I lay them at the cross every day. Understanding that marriage is two sinful people coming together to attempt to cohabitate, is very important when handling struggles within your marriage. Sin is sin in God’s eyes, but certain sins hurt the heart more than others. Porn is a product of the devil and a form of adultery. When a man lusts over another woman, no matter if it’s in person or on a screen, they are destroying the purity of the mind and heart.

Ben’s Back Story

When my husband was in elementary school he was inappropriately touched by another child; from there, he had an ongoing spark of curiosity. Ben was homeschooled for the rest of grade school and during that time he was often left alone and unsupervised while spending much of his days on the computer, finding his addiction to pornography.

We were six months into dating when Ben told me about his addiction. He also informed me that this was something he was still involved in. That would be the first time in our relationship that I thought I was not enough. We talked about it and he informed me that he was going to stop. The topic was never brought up again till after we were married and our first son was born.

When Ryder was about eight months old, I had fallen asleep watching a movie. When I woke up, Ben was not in bed and I discovered him watching porn in the bathroom. This one hit me hard. It was real. He informed me that he had relapsed since our son was born, explaining to me that this was his way of dealing with stress. I asked him to go speak with a pastor and tell at least two friends that could hold him accountable. He did all these things and we went back to normal.

Fast-forward to 2015, things are going good and we now have two crazy little boys. We were at church and the sermon was on pornography and at the end there was an altar call. Suddenly my husband is tugging on my hand and we walked to the front of the church. My heart dropped. No one wants to be brought to the altar unexpectedly.

The deacon got Ben in touch with a men’s group, with other men struggling with porn. Ben would attend his men’s group every week and participate daily on a blog forum. He also finally came clean to God and submitted all his flaws to Him. For about a month I also asked that he sleep on the couch.

Where We Are Now

We are great and Ben has done awesome. He has moved mountains and made so much progress. Although we moved away from his men’s group he is still involved in the forums and keeps up with his readings. He also has a group of guy friends that keep him on his toes.

What You Can Do

Remember that this is an addiction.

I made the mistake of quickly dismissing the porn the first two times it came up in our relationship. NEVER DISMISS it, no matter how bad I would like to write it off and make it go away, it will always be there. You have to stay one step ahead of the devil.

Take Care Of You

You are going to feel angry and betrayed. There is a good chance that you will also feel dirty and unattractive. Grieve and let yourself be mad, just remember that it is not your fault. No, you do not look like the girl on the screen, you are much more beautiful and worthy.
It has taken me almost a year to feel “normal” and to no longer feel anxious about my husband being alone. Allow God some time to work in your husband and in your marriage. Do not ask your husband to fight this battle by himself, join the fight along with him.

Asking your husband to sleep on the couch is just fine. Your bed is a sacred place, that should never be disrespected. It was so hard to see my husband sleeping on the couch, but he needed to. He needed the time to choose between me and pornography. We also used that time for meditation and prayer, to prepare ourselves for the battle ahead. I trusted that God would let me know when he was ready to come back.

How Did I Fix Him

You cannot “fix” a husband who is struggling through porn. This is an issue of the heart, for him to quit porn he must WANT to, but this list should help a little.

  • PRAY
  • Encourage him to go to a group.
  • Turn on restrictions on his phone.
  • Watch movies that don’t have sex scenes.
  • Ask him constantly how things are in the porn department.
  • Tell him how you feel.
  • Unfriend/unfollow female friends on social media that post risque pictures.
  • You can, and totally should snoop on your husband phone and computer.

Well there you have it. My heart and deepest secret poured out to you on a computer screen.

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3 Comments

  1. Christy Hales

    I am so proud of you for posting this. I have friends whose husbands fight this struggle, and will be sharing with them. You have used what Satan meant for evil- for good already, and it won’t stop here. Way to give God glory in “all things”. He is able, and uses our sins and struggles for His good.

    28 . Sep . 2017
    • myconfettilife

      Thank you so much Christy for always being so encouraging!

      28 . Sep . 2017
  2. Belinda Cordi

    Thank you for sharing..it must have been a struggle to write and then publish, but many will be encouraged that there is hope after devastation. God bless you and prayers for a continued victory with your husband!

    28 . Sep . 2017

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